The Weight of Living
by Prisoner of Azkaban711
Summary: Written for the Quidditch League Round 3- Sirius' time in Azkaban has left more of a mark than he has let on but luckily he has Remus to help him through the darkness.


Author's note: This is written for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition (Round 3) "Not your average OTP round". I hope you enjoy :) And thanks to Sable Supernova for checking it over!

Chaser 2's task: Write about your OTP dealing with a mental illness – I've used Wolfstar and PTSD

Prompts used: (quote) 'If you search for imperfections, you'll find them' - Jose Enincas, (word) inkling and (narrative device) Flashback.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

 _Lightning forks lit up the steel grey sky as the rain lashed down_ _,_ _relentlessl_ _y_ _smashing against the stone walls. Thunder rumbled overhead which increased the sense of helplessness that Sirius fel_ _t_ _._

 _The cold seeped in through the walls and chilled him to the bone as a shadowy, cloaked figure glided into view of the small cell he inhabited, freezing the droplets of rainwater which trickled in through the barred window from the storm raging outside._

 _The thunder rolling in the ominous clouds above stopped roaring, almost_ _as though it was_ _shrinking back in fear. Sirius wrapped his arms around his knees, hoping to be consumed by shadows in an effort to hide from what he knew would come next._

 _The Dementor silently turned it's covered head in the direction of the cowering figure, bunched in the corner. Screams echoed in his head, the unmistakable yells of his parents, followed by his poor, misled brother's last moments. And then the pleading and screaming of people he knew so well-_

 _Sirius_ _..._

 _Amongst the helpless cries, he heard his name coming distantly from the depths of his mind._

 _Padfoot!_

 _His nickname sounded more insistent as it echoed in the empty space_ _. Sirius hugged his knees tightly to his chest to try and stop the voices from invading the only part of him which_ _was still sane._

"Sirius!"

Sirius was broken out of his reverie and was immediately confronted by Remus, who wore a worried expression across his scarred face. The werewolf was kneeling in front of him, so that they were at the same eye level, where Remus had been positioned for three or four minutes, trying to get through to his partner.

"Are you alright?" He asked, a twinge of anxiety evident in his voice, "you've been fazing in and out a lot lately."

"Yeah," Sirius answered quietly, bringing his hand up to cup one side of Remus' face. He gently rubbed his thumb over the most recent scratches that marked his lover's face.

"Okay," replied Remus, though his expression looked sceptical and he had an inkling that Sirius was holding back, "if you're sure…"

He covered Sirius' hand with his own before standing up and taking a seat on the sofa next to Sirius, who immediately stretched out and placed his head into Remus' lap.

Remus gently ran his fingers through the animagus' dark hair as he had done so many times before and felt his partner relax as he did.

The sitting room at 12 Grimmauld Place offered little comfort to either of them, but unfortunately the ancient house was where Sirius had been confined to, and Remus was reluctant to leave him at any time.

Sirius always put on a brave face for the other Order members and especially Harry, who needed beyond anything to know someone was there for him, but Remus knew that underneath the charming grins and childish jokes, that his lover was suffering.

Sirius had never revealed details about his time in the Wizard prison and Remus had never asked. Whenever the topic was brought up in conversation or he started to mention something he had experienced in the forsaken place, Sirius would tense up and become silent for a long period of time, whilst everyone else carried on their conversation without really noticing the absence of his input.

But Remus knew. No one had known Sirius better than Remus before that fateful day took everyone he had loved away from him.

Remus rarely mentioned his own grievances during that decade long period, knowing that whatever he had suffered, Sirius had suffered tenfold. There was no imagining what the Dementors had made him relive, rekindling all his darkest memories and bringing them to the surface once more just to taunt him.

He wouldn't have been surprised if Sirius never shared the secrets of that dark time; that he would always shy away from the subject felt like an inevitable circumstance, but Remus didn't feel he needed the details. So long as Sirius felt he could confide in him if he needed to, Remus would be satisfied.

Just as Remus felt Sirius' breathing even out in the peaceful rhythm of sleep, the door to the room opened, revealing Molly Weasley, who looked slightly flustered with her apron covered in all sorts of stains from the kitchen.

"The meeting's about to start, dear," she said quietly as she noticed Sirius' sleeping form, "but you'd best bring Sirius downstairs too. This is meant to be very important."

Remus gave her an exasperated look. Nobody else understood how difficult it was for Sirius to actually sleep through the night, so having to wake him up when he may finally get some rest annoyed Remus immensely.

Molly gave him a commiserating glance before disappearing and leaving Remus to reluctantly wake the other man.

"Sirius," he said softly, gently shaking his shoulder at the same time, "we've got to go for the meeting. I'm so sorry."

Sirius groaned softly as he was brought back into consciousness, running a hand across his tired face before looking up at Remus from his position in his lap. Remus smiled slightly at the state of his tousled hair and was glad to see it was returned, however slight the gesture was.

It had taken a long time after they had been reunited for Sirius to open up to Remus again. He had been alone for so long that he had forgotten how to act around people, and the isolation had hurt Remus dreadfully. At one point, Remus had thought that they would never work through their trust issues and Sirius' sense of withdrawal and that he would have to leave, but when he had seen how deeply Sirius' troubles extended, it was impossible for him to just walk away.

Slowly and surely, through a huge amount of effort, Remus had bridged the gap between them and managed to earn Sirius' trust again in order to help heal his damaged mind.

Sirius made no effort to move and instead said out of the blue-

"I've no idea why you put up with me – I must be the most difficult person to live with, what with all the problems I've caused you and-"

"Don't," Remus interrupted sternly, before adding in a softer tone, "Besides, if you search for your imperfections, you'll find them. You are perfect to me. I see nothing but you and that's all I will ever hope to see."

Sirius took Remus' hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze to let him know what his words meant to him, before leaving his comfortable position on the sofa and leading Remus to the flight of dingy, dilapidated stairs that led to the kitchen.

On entering the crowded room, Remus felt Sirius tense again and clutch his hand tighter. To reassure his partner, Remus caressed the back of Sirius' hand with his thumb and felt his muscles loosen slightly.

They took two empty seats at the middle of the long oak table, with Molly and Arthur on one side, and Kingsley Shacklebolt on the other. Various other witches and wizards meandered around the lengthy room, speaking in hushed voices in small groups. Remus ignored them and instead kept his attention on his boyfriend, who was already putting on a show for the people around him to hide his true pain from the world.

His lips were curled upwards in a playful smirk and he was leant back in his chair as though he had not a care in the world, though their fingers were still entwined.

The door to the kitchen was closed and silence fell throughout the room as Albus Dumbledore walked across the slate floor and took his place at the head of the table, clearing his throat before starting.

"In one week's time, we have plans set in place for the movement of Harry Potter from his residence at 4 Privet Drive in Surrey to here at Grimmauld Place."

Sirius sat up straighter in his chair at the mention of his godson and listened intently to the Headmaster's following words.

"Harry is currently unaware of any of the activities taking place here and I have sworn any of those who would write to him to secrecy in order to keep it that way. Harry has-

Dumbledore stopped at the scraping of chair legs across tiles. Everyone looked at Sirius with surprise. He was stood, hands placed firmly on the table, glaring at the elderly wizard.

"Kept in the dark?" he said in a dangerous voice, "You've kept Harry completely in the dark after everything he's been through? and everything he could have helped with!? Unbelievable! How do you expect him to trust anyone ever again after that?" He became louder with each word that rolled off his tongue, aiming his pent up frustration at the silver haired man who stood before him.

"Stop, Sirius."

Remus stood too, placing a hand on his shoulder, looking more worried as the seconds ticked by. Everyone else was staring at them, whispering to one another. Sirius took a quick glance around the room before he shrugged Remus' hand off and turned towards his only escape route. He slipped through the door without a backwards glance slamming it shut behind him.

Remus flinched as the wooden door met its frame and was left wondering what had caused such an angry outburst.

OoOoO

 _The crashing of water on rocks woke Sirius from a fitful sleep filled with manic laughter and the cries of a helpless couple. Pushing himself up off of the thin, filthy mattress, he pushed his unkempt hair out of his face and looked out through stained bars in an effort to stop himself from shaking. It had been their voices, in what his guilt wracked subconscious had imagined to be their last moments._

 _He took deep breaths to slow his heartbeat. Breathe in,_ it wasn't your fault, _breathe out,_ Peter betrayed them, _breathe in…_

 _Rattling breath and the deepest cold were all he remembered before his head was overcome by the sound of their pleas once more, louder and louder…_

"Sirius!"

He vaguely registered Remus' cry after his own scream as he shook uncontrollably. He was sat straight up in bed. Beads of sweat covered his face and chest while he continued to hear the cries of his best friends.

Tears began to sting the corners of his eyes and he was unable to stop them from falling as he remembered where he actually was, that Azkaban was just a memory. He had gone to bed straight after he had stormed out of the meeting and did not remember Remus coming upstairs.

He turned to face the man in question who looked concerned and panicked at his outburst and felt the tidal wave of emotion crash down upon him. Remus' outline became blurred as fresh tears burst forward, tracing patterns down Sirius' flushed cheeks.

He put his head in his hands as he completely broke down. The walls he had built in his tormented mind to protect himself came tumbling down as he allowed every ounce of emotion he had bottled up to run in the water droplets that flowed in streams down his face.

His resounding sobs shook Remus from his state of shock. Without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around his lover's trembling body and smoothed his hair back from his face, whispering loving words in an effort to calm him down. He placed tender kisses on the top of Sirius' head, rocking backwards and forwards to try and reassure him.

Neither knew how long they sat there. Sirius huddled in Remus' embrace until the tears failed to appear, the sobs calmed to small whimpers and his breathing evened out again.

After a few minutes of silence, Sirius moved in order to look into Remus' eyes and, on seeing nothing but the deepest love and concern, leaned up to press his lips softly against the other man's.

"Thank you," whispered Sirius when they parted, "Thank you… for never giving up on me."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Remus replied with a small smile, studying every inch of Sirius' tear stained face, "I love you, Sirius"

"I love you too."

Their lips met again, each pouring every last drop of emotion they had left into that kiss, before they both settled back down into the bed sheets. Sirius nestled in Remus' arms, feeling more at peace than he had in fifteen years.

 **A/N** **: I wrote this is quite a rush in the end but I really enjoyed doing it! Please leave a review I appreciate it so much!**


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